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Pacifica

by Spacewalkers

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1.
God Forbid 02:51
Couldn’t believe it when I first heard the news Can’t shake the feeling that I'm joining them soon I take a crucifix when I leave home Laurel Hill is calling for my bones First time I heard you scream Threw yourself over Lee’s coffin it felt like a dream Pinching myself because I need to wake up Can’t leave yet because I’m still looking for you Oh, now I feel my hands Pushing through the dirt and up and up and ba ba ba ba bang Should have told you but I never did This is my last chance God forbid Throwing shadows in the light of the moon Can’t shake the feeling that I'm joining them soon Dressed up as a ghost that Halloween Black and blue and blood covered my jeans Please God with all respect It was just a costume I’m not ready to go yet Promised I would do everything I could To look after her and I need to make good Oh, now I feel my hands Pushing through the dirt and up and up and ba ba ba ba bang Seeing the sun now like I never did This is my last chance God forbid Oh, now I feel my hands Pushing through the dirt and up and up and ba ba ba ba bang Holding your face now like I never did This is my last chance God forbid
2.
Robbie says He sees ghosts at the hospital On the mend Drinking deep but it’s too little (There’s something better) And every summer I think I should have picked up your call You tried for years to become somebody else I saw you run in full speed You didn’t make it back out And now where will we go? My God it’s all that we know Dreaming in the daylight Summer all the time Please God just stay the same But everything’s about to change It’s just the end of the world Audrey says Throw a party the day I’m gone Yellow dress Laid to rest in the clothes you want (There’s something better) I know you laughed in your sleep That day the priest didn’t show And now where will we go? My god it’s all that we know It’s just the end of the world
3.
Oh, it comes in waves It’s the smallest of things Hits the strangest ways Like when you used to sing In the minivan Holding Jenny’s hand Does it make your head spin? Now I think i finally get it I’ve been sleepwalking through most of my life All the things I took for granted The truth is a knife Oh, the lights are loud At my hospital bed Joked all night about It should be you instead Sleeping in the chair Putting up your hair Does it make your head spin? Now I think i finally get it I’ve been sleepwalking through most of my life All the things I took for granted The truth is a knife
4.
Talking with a look You carried my books after Dad left And just showing up somehow was enough to show a better way On my bike, rode every street that night I chased the waterline up to the end Our secret, we had to carry it No one could ever know what happened When you acted tough I should have spoken up but I missed it Back to where it started when they broke your heart you had to run away Shields are useless now Lay your weapons down Nobody understands like we understand each other Always, with love, your little brother I went down to the block Where we grew up Where we used to feel big Where we used to feel tough Nobody understands like we understand each other Always, with love, your little brother I keep writing notes But I never know if you read them Every thirty days I don’t know what to say but I write anyway We found out that they plan to tear down That place on 17th where we’d hang out Come back soon everyone misses you I’ll save a seat next time you’re in town Shields are useless now Lay your weapons down Nobody understands like we understand each other Always, with love, your little brother I went down to the block Where we grew up Where we used to feel big Where we used to feel tough Nobody understands like we understand each other Always, with love, your little brother
5.
I cut my hair Bought some new boots But I still felt the same Went for a drive Stayed out all night But I still felt the same Shaking up the snow globe Burning all my old clothes But before you go Don’t say goodbye What if I stayed this time? Navy blue suit Button down shirt But I still felt the same Cleaned up my room Tore up old cards But I still felt the same Racing down the coastline Thinking about the last time But before you go Don’t say goodbye What if I stayed this time? We could show the world that you were always enough How can I surrender but without giving up? What if you changed your mind? What if you stayed this time?
6.
Running on a fault line Dancing through a movie scene Ghosts have got me holding on To everyone eventually How do I let go How do I make the right move When all I ever want is this When all I ever want is you I want to stay just a little bit longer How do I let go How do I make the right move When all I ever want is this When all I ever want is you
7.
Just Say Yes 02:51
Thrown from a train that day But pain finally had a name Walked out the door but outside nothing much had changed We’re almost there Slurred all my words that night Right through every red stoplight Laid down my coat and my keys The truth is a knife We’re almost there Everything has led to this Just say yes I finally decided to let things go I used to be so scared but I’m not anymore because Everything has led to this Just say yes
8.
Jackpot 04:10
You’re a fire that I can’t put out I’m breaking all the windows You’re a fire that I can’t put out And it goes and it grows and it goes and it grows Hit the jackpot Joey hit the jackpot Found him with a gun In the backyard sandlot Learned how to run From the day Jimmy got shot Left two kids At the Sunset bus stop You’re a fire that I can’t put out I’m breaking all the windows You’re a fire that I can’t put out And it goes and it grows and it goes and it grows Hit the jackpot Katie hit the jackpot 22 years and still in the same spot Learned how to love But never could say stop Raised three kids On her own from the gift shop There’s smoke coming through the door It goes and it grows and it goes The handle is hot to touch It all makes sense to me now Hit the jackpot We hit the jackpot No going back we’re leaving the old block Hit the jackpot We hit the jackpot No matter how far we’re still in the same spot
9.
Sometimes I think I’ve lost my way Sometimes I think I see you wave Mom said It was something I should do But I didn’t have the strength to clean out your room And on the nightstand Right next to my bed I keep the birthday card that you never opened Snuck inside your closet and tried on all your clothes But I was too small Snuck inside your closet and tried on all your clothes But you were too tall I was just a boy Trying to find my feet And the very next day I’m drowning in your sleeves 18 months since the night you went gone And everybody says I have to move on Sometimes I think I hear you sing Sometimes I think I see you wave I need you home but how long can I wait I need you here but how hard must I pray Sometimes I think I’ve lost my way Sometimes I think I see you wave
10.
The firehouse closed its doors yesterday And Richie turned the lights out at eight I drove as fast as I could but it wasn’t enough Went back but it’s boarded up Every window nailed shut I waited for days and days and days For that one moment that never came I ran it back till I hit Shoreside But you’re already gone Home now Is just a ghost town You’re on your own now Today is a perfect day You think you know everything but you don’t You think you’ll win them all but you won’t You’ll be hit by a car by a girl on her phone And as you hit the ground you’ll break your bones You’ll lay there for days and days and days You blink your eyes but can’t feel your legs Somebody stops for directions But you don’t know the place And you can’t stop thinking This bruise will never go away Home now Is just a ghost town The roads are blown out Today is a perfect day
11.
Funny how They say I’ve changed and now I know they’re right somehow I think it’s you Oh, we won’t be eighteen forever Oh, next time I will find you faster Your melody Was something new to sing Your chords a mystery You’re my favorite song Oh, we’re not twenty eight forever Oh, next time I will find you faster I know you know You know I know Fields in bloom And all I see is you Engravings on the ground Will you be my girl? Oh, we’re not thirty eight forever Oh, next time I will find you faster Aching bones Happy to call you home Even if we dance slow You’re all I need Oh, we’re not eighty eight forever Oh, next time I will find you faster I know you know You know I know
12.
Headlights in the park Every choice a ghost When you left you said “I bet you wear a seatbelt in a limo” Three weeks later and they found him in his bedroom Killed by an overdose Dead at 22 Stayed out when the streetlights came on Yelling from your front lawn None of us ever went to college Never even thought it was an option I don’t want to be 15 again I just want the fire Learn from old mistakes Told us that you will When you left you said “I’ll be right back in a little” Found out later that he broke into the bank safe Got locked up until He turned 28 Walked out when the first band came on Never played your fight song None of us ever went to college Never even thought it was an option I don’t want to be 15 again I just want the fire
13.
I know it feels like suicide But everything is gonna be fine I’m gonna be right by your side And everything is gonna be fine Close your eyes again Guiding you out of your skin Heartbeat starts to slow Mother calls let go let go It’s time

about

Hi friend, I'm BV Wolfgang. I make music with The Spacewalkers Foundation for Extraterrestrial Exploration and the Circumvention of Planned Obsolescence. I know! It's a long name. Most kids just say Spacewalkers.

I made an Existential Power Pop record called Pacifica about the mystery and magic of being human and how I'm learning that there's nothing bigger than the little things. Written while battling a scary illness and inspired by 80s pop, 90s alt, and 00s dance punk, these hopeful songs about death were made to help me feel better about oblivion.

Pacifica is about acceptance, gratitude, and hope. About looking backwards and forwards while fighting to stay in the present. About the way my Dad played terrible air drums to 90s songs while driving and missing our exit. About my Mom working the graveyard shift and getting home just in time to drive me and my sisters to school. About trying to stay positive about illness, then feeling guilty when you can't stay positive about illness. About wondering how things would have been different if I answered Robbie's phone call. About how everything we've ever been on the way to becoming us, we still are. About knowing we’re floating through infinitely expanding black space with very little time left, but still getting frustrated when someone takes too long to order their coffee. About life after death. About life before death. About embracing that we're just here for a long weekend in the sun. About Love. About You.

I'm tempted to say something sarcastic to soften the corniness above, but I'm fully embracing earnestness as the new punk rock. I think this record helps unlock that badge.

Thanks for listening. 🩶

credits

released December 8, 2023

Made by BV Wolfgang.

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Spacewalkers California

Existential Power Pop. Former cult.

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